My job was to protect Kristin's hair from the rain. Her job was to get me inside for coffee.

I ate lunch at Apple last week when I was in Cupertino, on my way down to BlogHerBET, and I have the video to prove it. This is my review of Apple’s Cafeteria, and their employees.

I got to meet Alejandro, the chef who makes the world famous KH Toast my friend Kristin invented. He has a staring role, along with two of Kristin’s co-workers at Apple, who allowed me to include shots of their hair in the movie, because we weren’t allowed to talk about anything secret, lest I be accused of spying. Plus, hair and food are easy to review.

This woman, new BF #2, who I'll call "N" to protect her identity, allowed herself to be photographed in the Apple Cafeteria with me, during lunch. I hope she doesn't get fired. She has 5 star hair!

I cannot reveal too many details about Apple’s secret test kitchen, due to obvious security breach implications (and the fact that they probably don’t actually have a secret test kitchen) but I will say that the entire experience changed me as a consumer.

I’m ready to accept my husband’s hand-me-down MacBook Pro now whenever he’s ready to upgrade. I may even trade in my Android for an iPhone someday. I’ve been resisting out of ill-placed loyalty and laziness. Sorry, HP and the rest of you. It’s been a nice ride, but I’ve been sucked into the Apple vortex.

They say you have to know someone to get into Apple. I say you have to know someone to get out. That place is a huge maze. Inside the belly of the beast it’s all cubicles and long hallways. Acres and acres of them. I couldn’t even find my way to the bathroom without guided help. Which is the idea, I guess. Spies are not allowed.

Sydney Bristow actually works for Apple. I saw her in the bathroom.

I was blindfolded inititally, and spun around three times before I was allowed to enter cubicle land. But not really. I was given a badge and escorted constantly. Luckily Kristin’s a girl and I didn’t mind that she came into the bathroom with me (not in the stall, eew!) Plus, she let me borrow her lip gloss.

[I’m sorry there aren’t more pictures. I wasn’t allowed to photograph anything. If I were, I’d insert a picture of Kristin brushing her hair and me putting on lip gloss here, because I know you like those kinds of pictures!]

Pretend this is a picture of my lips and Kristin's hair in the bathroom at Apple.

Kristin showed me her cube, moved her bike so I could sit in the guest chair, and swept several things into her “sports equipment drawer” where she keeps her swim gear and workout wear, so I had a place to sit, facing the wall, away from her monitor, so I wouldn’t spy on her email that she had to check before a meeting.

[Imagine a picture of Kristin’s office here. It’s clean. There are some notebooks on a bookshelf, and she has huge monitors that allow her to look at spreadsheets filled with numbers. Numbers I did not look at, I promise, mainly because spreadsheets give me hives, and I really need bifocals to read small print, I can’t see a damn thing anymore.]

Her office was really clean and organized, and super confidential-proof, I swear it.

Apple encourages employees to exercise, and offers all sorts of classes from Zumba dance to Ballet to…well I don’t know, I wasn’t allowed to look at the workout rooms. Actually, I forgot to ask. I was really focused on the food, and spent most of my time in the cafeteria. We had a late breakfast and an early lunch

Let’s talk about the food. Oh.my.god.the.food! It was fantastic. All kinds of organic, freshness abounded. Great meat and fish and 75 kinds of vegetables cooked to order and delicious soups sent this Paleo girl into a mini Nirvana. And there was Vegan, Vegetarian, Indian, etc. etc. etc. The dessert bar was over the top, and the dessert chef came over to chat with us for a while. She’s a fashion consultant in real life.

[Imagine a picture of the best desserts you can imagine, then times them by two on the “best” scale. And only charge $1 for each. That’s real life every single day at Apple!]

Have you ever seen such pure, honest chocolate, caramel, whipped cream, raspberries and cake?

Anyway, for breakfast I had a delicious egg and veggie scramble delight that Alejandro whipped up for me, and I sampled the KH toast, as explained in the video. It was good.

For lunch, I had some amazing green salad with fresh lime/cilantro shrimp on top, and fancy vegetable- mushroom soup. They all had real high-brow names, like you’d see at a real restaurant, I think, but I was distracted by the look, feel, smell and taste to remember them.

I also grabbed an Apple from the Apple bin. It’s sort of an inside joke, I guess.

I took a logo inspired bite. Not really, though, I just found this on Google.

After the second round of eating, I had to go. Kristin had a meeting (about some spreadsheets maybe, but she wouldn’t tell me) and I needed to get on the road and drive through another hurricane to Santa Clara to meet up with the conference gals at Cisco’s Teleprescence offices for a catered reception. Because it’s sort of my job to drive around the Bay Area and sample good food at tech companies. It’s the job I want, I mean, so I’m just throwing it out to the universe now, because if I had a life coach, that’s what she’d tell me to do, I’m sure of it. Also I should dream board it. Or mind-map it. I always get those mixed up.

So just to be clear:

Dear Universe,

I want a job reviewing tech company cafeterias. I promise not to reveal trade secrets, but I reserved the right to ask about recipes and hair styles, depending on my mood. I will make discreet videos of my experience and sample all the foods I’m in the mood for also, which you will provide for free, or allow one of your nice employees to pay for (thanks for lunch, Kristin!)

Please contact me with job offers and salary, benefits and retirement package details. Lip modeling services extra.

Love,

@juliejulie

Here’s the video. I suggest you turn the volume up, we had to whisper a lot!